Dear Birth Control Pamphlet Writers,

I’m in a very helpful mood. It should last approximately 45 seconds. SO, in those 45 seconds, I thought I would write some suggestions to put in your pamphlet.

Side Effects may include, but are not limited to the following:

• Rage
• Fatigue
• Hair loss
• Application of too much tanning oil
• Feeling misunderstood
• Feeling like a failure
• Feeling guilty because you are a misunderstood failure
• Feelings of stupidity for whining about how you feel
• Drafting awkwardly personal blogs
• Needy-ness
• Excessive crying…during animated features, especially Sponge Bob Square Pants
• Hopelessness
• Yelling at children for doing child-like things
• General annoyance at all living things
• Hiding under bed covers
• Crying at your own naked reflection
• Binge eating burritos after a trip to the gym
• Kicking your dishwasher
• Inability to go to work
• Crying about laundry
• Throwing aforementioned laundry at walls while crying about it
• Procrastinating about yard work to include; poop scooping and mowing
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Panick attacks triggered by general untidiness of the house
• Depression
• Tequila and 1,000 cigarettes
• Overwhelming urge to change hairstyles
• Hopelessness about your appearance
• Begging God for mercy and peace
• Urges to throw birth control in the garbage and stab the bastards who made it

Please consult your doctor immediately if you fantasize about any of the following:

• De-barking all dogs in a 20 mile radius
• Breaking glass objects until the need to see things shatter disappears
• Stabbing people
• Having a “no baby talk” law passed in the state of Maryland
• Lighting your own house on fire once loved ones are safely outside just so you don’t have to clean it
• Punching ex-husband in the face so you can watch him bleed
• Throwing a temper tantrum in hopes of getting it all out
• Running away to a cabin in the mountains to be alone forever

DO NOT take this product if:

• You are already a crazy person
• You like babies anyway

*Side effects vary from person to person. They may be a compound product of general life stress and birth control hormones. Either way this product will make you a wreck. We wouldn’t recommend it if we didn’t make so much money. 

You’re welcome,

Kelly