Dear Birth Control Pamphlet Writers,

27 Jun

I’m in a very helpful mood. It should last approximately 45 seconds. SO, in those 45 seconds, I thought I would write some suggestions to put in your pamphlet.

Side Effects may include, but are not limited to the following:

  • Rage
  • Fatigue
  • Hair loss
  • Application of too much tanning oil
  • Feeling misunderstood
  • Feeling like a failure
  • Feeling guilty because you are a misunderstood failure
  • Feelings of stupidity for whining about how you feel
  • Drafting awkwardly personal blogs
  • Needy-ness
  • Excessive crying…during animated features, especially Sponge Bob Square Pants
  • Hopelessness
  • Yelling at children for doing child-like things
  • General annoyance at all living things
  • Hiding under bed covers
  • Crying at your own naked reflection
  • Binge eating burritos after a trip to the gym
  • Kicking your dishwasher
  • Inability to go to work
  • Crying about laundry
  • Throwing aforementioned laundry at walls while crying about it
  • Procrastinating about yard work to include; poop scooping and mowing
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • Panick attacks triggered by general untidiness of the house
  • Depression
  • Tequila and 1,000 cigarettes
  • Overwhelming urge to change hairstyles
  • Hopelessness about your appearance
  • Begging God for mercy and peace
  • Urges to throw birth control in the garbage and stab the bastards who made it

Please consult your doctor immediately if you fantasize about any of the following:

  • De-barking all dogs in a 20 mile radius
  • Breaking glass objects until the need to see things shatter disappears
  • Stabbing people
  • Having a “no baby talk” law passed in the state of Maryland
  • Lighting your own house on fire once loved ones are safely outside just so you don’t have to clean it
  • Punching ex-husband in the face so you can watch him bleed
  • Throwing a temper tantrum in hopes of getting it all out
  • Running away to a cabin in the mountains to be alone forever

DO NOT take this product if:

  • You are already a crazy person
  • You like babies anyway

*Side effects vary from person to person. They may be a compound product of general life stress and birth control hormones. Either way this product will make you a wreck. We wouldn’t recommend it if we didn’t make so much money. 

You’re welcome,



3 Responses to “Dear Birth Control Pamphlet Writers,”

  1. thoughtsappear July 5, 2011 at 2:16 pm #

    Those lists are exactly why I’m considering the effects of being pregnant…constantly. One right after the other.

  2. thelifeofjamie July 6, 2011 at 2:18 pm #

    I was on the pill after my second child and it made me NUCKING FUTSO!!! Absolutely BAT SHIT CRAZY! Made for some fun times in this house…I am now a pill free, vasectomy loving somewhat normal person!

    • dearlifeofmine July 7, 2011 at 2:33 pm #

      Hahaha. Yep, I am so crazy already – I don’t need that stuff. It’s like being pregnant all the time. And I am NUTSSSSSSSSSs when I’m pregnant.

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