Dear Nails and Nostrils,

20 Nov

I’m not usually much of a fashion person or fancy gal, but I really do love my new gel manicures. I’d like to encourage all women to try you…just once…AFTER reading the warning below.

Gel manicures are just amazing polish that lasts for two weeks – even if  the person wearing said polish regularly soaks their hands in bleach because they are a strange, phobic person.

It has allowed my nails to be thick enough to grow out to epic lengths, and for that, I thank you.


Like all pretty things, you have your dangerous side to.  Here are two ways:

1)  When I was in the shower washing my face this morning and I accidentally jammed my pointer finger unbelievably deep into my left nostril, my happiness with my ability to grow my nails out REALLY long faded as quickly as nose blood down a drain.

You suddenly didn’t look so pretty, you were more like a jagged dagger of nose death. I suppose it’s not all your fault because my finger was also covered with sandy, minty exfoliating scrub – it was kind of like getting a wound and rubbing salt in it at the same time, which is efficient, but still painful.

I swear, before my eyes stopped tearing up so I could open them, I thought my eyeball would be on the end of my finger like a scary lollipop. But I knew that couldn’t be because my finger didn’t make that echoed “fwomp” sound when I dislodged it from my brain stem and  pulled it out my nostril.

2) I love how sparkly you stay, but it is highly distracting when I am driving down the road and can’t stop staring at my pretty nails on the steering wheel. Sooo pretty. I’ve almost hit at least 8 parked cars since my last manicure.

Again, in your defense, my BAD-ASS wedding ring adds to the sparkle distraction.

My suggestion is to make people sign agreements when they get a Gel Manicure. The agreement should also have a warning and  make people promise they won’t sue if they accidentally turn their fingers into eyeball lollipops… or their insurance rates go up because they can’t snap themselves out of a sparkle trance.

Here’s a picture of my latest gel manicure (I removed my eyeball and spinal goo). YES, I know the color is all kinds of wrong for my pasty self, but after being in the military for 10 years and having to have man hands, I get really excited about being allowed to do obnoxious things. Plus my ring is just so AWESOME.

Doesn't it look like I have arthritis? lol. My ring is BANGIN' though!


3 Responses to “Dear Nails and Nostrils,”

  1. TheIdiotSpeaketh November 20, 2011 at 8:35 pm #

    Nice ring Kelly 🙂

  2. Priscilla Farnsworth (@LaBelleVoyageur) November 22, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

    Oh. My. Gawd! I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard about something I’ve read in quite a while! I mean, no… really. Between the “jagged dagger of nose death” and “scary lollipop” bits I almost peed my pants. On another note – I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one who mistakenly (and painfully!) shoves my finger up my nose while washing my face in the shower.. Ok, gotta run – gotta go get a manicure! 😉

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