Dear Blogofmine,

22 Jun

Hi there, I thought I would drop a line since it has been so long. You know how it is, life gets so crazy. I promise to be better about keeping in touch. I think about you all the time. I jot down things I’d like to tell you. So much has changed, you wouldn’t even believe. I’m still me. I have my moments, only now I love that about myself. I gained a lot of clarity, my house grew from two people to six people, and I lost an organ. I imagine the first parts of this letter will be a little depressing, but keep reading, it gets better…I think.

Back in February, I had a major melt down that completely changed my life. It is a very long story I’ve typed up in many different ways to put on here, but decided against. It simply did not match the tone of this particular blog. Also, it’s a little depressing. To make a very long story short-ish: I was under a deadline at work; I missed the deadline; a co- worker pushed my buttons; I had a series of panic attacks and followed them up with a few pain-killers and some wine. I know. It’s retarded. If I could go back in time and smack myself, I would. The problem may have been that there was no one there to smack me. ANYWAY – the most retarded moment of my life led to a lot of clarity. I began doing cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety; I switched jobs; my mom is staying with me for a bit; I fell in love. I suddenly see value in myself, in my life, and am living in reality again vice the selfish world of self loathing I’d chosen to call home. If you’re worried about daughterofmine, don’t. She was completely unaware and taken care of. The thought of her beautiful, innocent face and the joy she brings me makes me feel even more stupid for that moment. I only felt alone but was not.  A lot of people loved me enough to be there immediately. The moments I thought held only darkness and hopelessness gave birth to faith, peace, love, and more hope than I’ve ever experienced. I can say now, I am truly happy.

SO about that “fell in love” stuff: I’m not kidding. You know him too. It’s this guy. No, he’s not def. No, I have not scared him off or eaten his head like a praying mantis…yet. Yes, I think he will stick around for a bit. Yes, he’s even read this. No, I have no idea what he sees in me and feel luckier every day. It’s all so crazy. I didn’t even believe in love. I didn’t believe in happiness. The thing is, he truly understands me and I understand him. He can even embrace my darkness. The parts I hide. We are two peas in a pod and all the other gooshy vegetable metaphors for love you can think of. Sometimes he says “Hi, pot” and I reply “hellloooo, kettle”. Isn’t that gross? It’s sickening really. We are kissy and smushy. We eat a lot of sushi and call each other babe. We hold hands and kiss in public. We laugh in bed at night. We try to hide our farts from each other. He makes me float. I’m officially a corny romantic comedy. Rainbows, butterflies, glitter, laughter, and puppies. No Joke.

The best part is that he comes with two spicy little gingers that nabbed my heart from day one. The oldest (10) is so sweet, smart, and matter-of-fact. I’m naming her oldestofmine. The youngest (7) is …hungry. All the time. She is also a silly, creative little spitfire. I’m naming her eaterofmine. In addition, Daughterofmine is happier than I have ever seen her. I totally have an insta-family. It’s awesome. Especially for someone like me, who had accepted the fact that I would die alone, and had given up dreams of the big family I always hoped for. I think it was piehole or working tech mom that told me not to lose hope. Thank you. I think my hopelessness for myself DID die that day. You know, my grandma used to say that God gives you more than you could ever imagine. Pretty much…because my house is jam packed with my little ponies and man clothes. They are all up in my space and stuff. God, I love it.

Speaking of daughterofmine, she turned 6, lost her first two teeth, and graduated kindergarten since we last talked. She is all the wonderful things she ever was, except now she doesn’t beg me for a daddy and some brothers and sisters. I don’t have to explain to her anymore that I am not capable of these things. She’s so big. I cherish every second with her, as I always have. I almost let go of that. In reality, she was what made my attempt a half-hearted one. When you have babies, you have hope; even when you think it is gone.

In other news, my stupid appendix revolted against me in May. Not nice. Fuck that thing anyway. Who needs it? Especially considering that the pathology reports concluded that there was a carcinogenic tumor on the appendix. Sneaky little bastard. That’s the same thing that killed Audrey Hepburn! If I hadn’t had appendicitis, I wouldn’t have known about the cancer. I’m just sayin’ it came at a time when I was suddenly aware of God’s hand in my life. He likes to show himself in some pretty crazy ways. The thing is, I’m not even this perfect person. I say Fuck sometimes. I smoke cigarettes (er..used to…er.. trying not to for obvious reasons). I’m having a ton of premarital sex right now. But I guess that has nothing to do with anything. It’s your heart that matters. Don’t forget that. Just try and do your best to pay it forward I guess. Acknowledge the blessings. Try to be happy. I don’t know any other way to show how thankful I am to Him.

Anyway – that’s where I am now, blogofmine. Happy and fulfilled; A million lifetimes away from where I was; Appreciative of all that I have been given; Happy with myself; Loving the people around me; Learning ways to deal with my OCD; Learning ways to let people in.

HOWS THAT FOR SMUSHY?!?! Just don’t expect all letters to end on this happy note. For realsies though, let’s try to stay in touch better. We should do coffee, (without rice) and catch up. My treat.

Love,

Kelly

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8 Responses to “Dear Blogofmine,”

  1. dddamaris June 22, 2011 at 2:42 am #

    Dear Kelly,

    Stumbled across your blog. Wow! Sounds like you’ve had a crazy adventure! I’m happy to read that you are in a better place than you were before. Sometimes the road that takes us to these “better” places are pretty messed up – but you made it! The journey’s not over – like i tell my kids, “we all mess up- forget about it and keep moving forward.” Keep your head up, girl… looking forward to move letters.

    random stranger.

    • dearlifeofmine June 22, 2011 at 11:18 am #

      Thank you! and yes, it was a doosie of a time and slightly surreal at this point. Thanks for the comment! Ill have to stop by your blog too and see what you are all about!

  2. lexy3587 June 22, 2011 at 3:11 pm #

    Wow… sounds like you’ve been living on a rollercoaster for the past little while! However, apart from a few stomach-dropping moments, it sounds like you’ve found your happy 🙂
    Enjoy the big, hectic, messy fullness of your new, adventurous stage of life. And glad to see you’re back in the blog-osphere… your posting has been missed.

  3. apieceofthepiehole June 23, 2011 at 9:16 pm #

    Oh THANK God you are back! I have missed you greatly! Now are you glad you sported that T-shirt? (if you are puzzled, just look at our comments on the, Dear Man I am Speaking Too Often Of”. It sounds like you have had a soul awakening and I am very happy that things are looking bright with many silver linings! I am glad you are back in the game… because my day is not complete without a little, Dear Life of . . .!

    • dearlifeofmine June 24, 2011 at 2:21 pm #

      Thanks hun! And yes, the T-shirt is in the closet. hehe. Folded and hidden for darker days 🙂 Good to hear from you! Last thing I read before my “hiatus” was that you were gonna be taking a break too!
      Now I have sooo much to catch up on your page 🙂

  4. thoughtsappear June 24, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

    I’m glad you’re back! And that you’re stress and appendix free!

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