Dear Anyone I Date in the Future,

25 Jan

I want to start by making a blanket apology for wasting your time (past, present, or future). I don’t know why I let it get to a point where you thought we were together because I know that is not what I want.  As you exit my sight and my life, I will not blame you for using any of the following terms :  Crazy, Insane, Heartless, Distant, Impossible, Aloof, or just plain B*tch.  If you chose to use any of those terms, you will be correct. However, you face the possibility of death if you ever use “bad mother” or “stupid” in your futile attempt to hurt my feelings as much as I have probably hurt your ego.

Since I haven’t met you yet, please take this next part into careful consideration before you think you want to have something to do with me.

– I have baggage. A lot of it. This makes my patients level for minor life problems very low.  I can be the sweetest person you have ever met, but I will not use my time to help you through childish quandaries nor will I ever be able to empathize with you. I’ll try for a little while, then I will go numb and you will feel nothing from me.

– I am crazy. Very crazy. There are times I am so depressed that I cannot move except to take care of my daughter. At these times, I will want nothing to do with you.  I will hate you and you will not be able to say or do anything right. Trying will make me break you down into tiny little pieces. I’m sorry. I will try to fight it…but thus far in life, I have not been able to win that fight.

– I am damaged. Not the fixer upper kind. Genetically, I am predispositioned to be a lot of pretty horrendous things. I have changed a lot of that and continue to battle the residual, but there’s still more. I added a lot to my problems by trusting in a husband who did not want to me a part of my life or my daughter’s life. He subsequently did some things that made me lose faith in men or happiness completely. I also let another man into my life who was very controlling, invaded my privacy, and made me feel like I was a stupid/horrible person. Those are only two of the examples. Therefore, I don’t trust you. I know it sounds like an excuse. Maybe it is, but as my life stands right now, I still havent been able to overcome it.

-I have no room for you. I am a single parent. I need all my time and energy for daughterofmine. I’d love to get to know you, spend time with you, pamper you, and possibly start working on some of the aforementioned problems I discussed. But I can’t. If anything, I will probably just ask you to help me carry heavy stuff, plunge toilets, unclog drains, hang pictures, and maybe give me a foot rub from time to time..if I sit down.

– I like being alone. I find peace in keeping to myself. I like routine, it has never failed me.  I am naturally a nurturer, so when in a relationship, I want to do everything for you. The problem is, I don’t actually have the time or energy to do this and I will end up resenting you for being something/someone else I have to take care of. This is not your fault. I spoil you then get mad that you are spoiled. That doesn’t change the fact that it happens.

– I will not change WHO I am for you.  I will change annoyances, little stuff, make adjustments, but I am who I am. I am complicated and hard to handle. If you are not independent enough to stand through this, it will not work. You see, when someone like me says “it’s not you, it’s me”, it is no line. I mean it.

I’m sure you are wonderful. The truth is, because of all of these things, I don’t even feel it is worth the energy to try anymore. You and I both know that a relationship where one party is not trying is doomed to failure. My life has made me spent. I wish you could inspire feeling in me permanently, but it will only last a while.  I wish you could “help” me like others have tried to do, but there really is no way to do that. If you still think about me in about 13 years, let’s try again.  Until then, it’s probably easier on you to hate me and use some of the words I mentioned earlier when describing me to your friends and family.

If you still want to try, you may be slightly masochistic. Otherwise, I’m sorry.

Kelly

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12 Responses to “Dear Anyone I Date in the Future,”

  1. Mark (The Idiot) January 25, 2011 at 5:42 pm #

    To me, the best part is where you say that you will not change who you are. Good for you! Someday, you will find a guy who loves you for exactly who you are, baggage and all, and you will again be happy. Don’t settle for anything less than someone who loves you just as you are! 🙂 Good luck Kelly! Have a great day!

    • dearlifeofmine January 25, 2011 at 9:42 pm #

      Thank you 🙂 I hope your tour of seattle is going well. hehe. Don’t take treats from the hippies!

  2. apieceofthepiehole January 25, 2011 at 7:54 pm #

    Well, I think you knowing this about yourself speaks volumes and I think the right Mr. Right will surface. It did for me. 🙂 Great post!

    • dearlifeofmine January 25, 2011 at 9:41 pm #

      Thanks darlin’…I’d say I hope he surfaces…but I don’t think I do. lol. Kinda feel bad for the guy if he does. hehe. But, If you look at dating me like an extreme sport, maybe it could be fun. Like bull riding.

  3. workingtechmom January 26, 2011 at 6:03 am #

    Oh dearlifeofmine. This post made me laugh, but you made me so very sad too. Don’t make me sad today. You need to be tough and not make me sad this week. Next week I can take anything again.

    There are lots of bad guys. There are lots of good ones too. Don’t let those jerks color what you think of all. But maybe you’ll have to curb that “do everything for you” aspect. Keep that much attention and caregiving for duaghterof yours. She needs it (and appreciates it) more than any guy!

    • apieceofthepiehole January 28, 2011 at 5:14 am #

      Amen Workingtechmom! You tell her. I happen to know a few when she is ready! They even have some managable carry-ons themselves so she won’t be alone in the baggage department! 🙂

      • dearlifeofmine January 28, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

        Hehe. You girls are teaming up on me. And, you are both right. I know the “caretaker” role is one of my biggest downfalls. I try to do it for both daughterofmine and whoever else. But, I am only one person. *sigh. I’ll get it worked out, but this is why I am so anti-dating until daughterofmine is grown!

      • dearlifeofmine January 28, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

        wait – do you mean they have kids? How fun! the more babies the better I always say 🙂

  4. Tony TheCannon Vogt June 22, 2011 at 5:41 am #

    I can’t seem to remember my password to my old blog so i had to comment using facebook. I know this is an older post, but i can relate to it on so many levels. without causing you to fall asleep, I’ll get to the one of highest relativity. Your lack of trust in the opposite sex because of past relations with them. I was once married to a controlling psycho for about 6 months, and together with her for 6 years. While those 6 and a half years prior to her cheating on me were quite grand, she tore me apart on the inside. I don’t know how long it’s gonna take to get over that or her, but the wounds are still fresh and it definitely is rough. (By the way, not asking for any empathy or sympathy, just trying to find someone to relate to, someone who understand’s.)

    • dearlifeofmine June 22, 2011 at 11:17 am #

      Dude, I know. I get it 100%. I’m not an inspireing person, so all I can really say is this: Go through it. Be disgruntled, be mad. Allow yourself to grieve it in whatever way you need and don’t beat yourself up for it. It’s part of the process of letting whatever was in you that allowed you to be with someone like that die. Your willingness to be walked on has to die if you can ever be content. Honestly, as for people like homegirl the cheater, they will never feel content. Thanks for your comment. Good luck to ya.

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