Dear Bloggess,

18 May

Im pretty sure you aren’t a reader of mine… mostly because I only have about 4 readers (including my husband and my bestie) and I havent blogged in forever,  but I thought I should warn you…

 

IM COMING TO SEE YOU TOMORROW!!!!!

I’m very excited and also find it gigglesome that Jim Lehrer could potentia,ly be sitting next to you signing books. There are just so many oppertunities for silliness there.

Anyway – In case I have more readers than I think… You guys should come support Jenny too :) Heres the link.

And theres the flyer:

Love,

Kelly

P.S Do you like cupcakes? Because I dont have any strange taxidermied stuff to give you :/ Unless you want one of my kids. But they aren’t stuffed…yet.

I used to read this blog, but she stopped writing letters.

2 Dec

I feel so naked. Vulnerable and scared. I’m like a virgin. I want it, but I don’t know how to go about it. I crave it, but it would cross a line. It would turn something into a different thing than it once was.

I wonder, will other people notice the difference in me? Is something new what I really want? Are they even ready, or thinking the same things?

Maybe none of it matters, because this moment is mine. And I want it.

I am, of course, speaking about the abandonment of my usual “letter” format.  Perverts. I use the words “naked” and “virgin” and “it”…and somehow everything becomes about sex.  Typical. But in a way, I suppose this is like sex. Only without the sweat, and the penis, and the orgasm…okay, I’m not sure about the orgasm yet. Give me some more time, I’m almost…there.

I don’t know why I just went that far,  but it does have that same sense of freedom.

(Cue Music)

EPIC

I love this blog. When I started it, I was highly inspired by my letters. I have lists everywhere of stuff I would like to write letters to. I still plan to use my letters, but I sometimes feel restricted by the format.

I’d like to be able to post so many other things. I write a lot of short stories, I like to just rant sometimes. Then I don’t post them because they don’t fit into the format.  If I hadn’t already named the blog, I’d probably call it “A.D.D. and Some Letters”

I considered deleting the whole blog and starting a new one, but I like my readers and I don’t want to have to find more people I like. For some of us (points at self) it’s not that easy to like people ;)

So here I am – tearing my safety net into tiny little pieces and making bad sexual references.  Fun,fun.

See. It IS sort of like being a virgin; even the fumbling feels pretty good.  Okay I quit, I’m Sorry.

**I am fighting an intense urge to sign my name here**

Dear Acupuncture,

22 Nov

I’ve always considered you to be just another weird thing that *Asians do… but today I learned that you actually serve some purpose.

For instance, there is a sign I drive by every single day that says “Acupuncture and Grooming” . I’ve been making a mental note every day for the last 4 months or so to google that and find out what the hell it means. Call me crazy, but I feel like acupuncture and grooming should be separate businesses. You wouldn’t see ” nail salon and deli” , or  “Flowers and Proctology”.

Anyway – I finally googled today and your services are for dogs.

Are you kidding me? You can make a business out of the half-wits that think animals need stuff like this? OCCUPY THAT!

Really though, you should be ashamed of yourself for taking advantage of challenged people.

BUT it did get me thinking and I also came across another kind of acupuncture.

FERTILITY acupuncture.

..

.

So wait …

You’re telling me that in order to get pregnant… I have to get poked?!?!

In that case, I’ve totally been over thinking pregnancy. I can now navigate this world with a different sense of understanding.

Sounds easy enough right? The only problem is that I would have to get poked by this guy, who runs a local fertility poking place:

You can't poke me!!!

And I won’t do it.

Therefore acupuncture, I shall forever leave you to the *Asians, weird pet parents, and other masochists.

Love,

Kelly

*I’m not actually racist, it’s supposed to make white people laugh. So if you are offended, just click off the page.

Dear Nails and Nostrils,

20 Nov

I’m not usually much of a fashion person or fancy gal, but I really do love my new gel manicures. I’d like to encourage all women to try you…just once…AFTER reading the warning below.

Gel manicures are just amazing polish that lasts for two weeks – even if  the person wearing said polish regularly soaks their hands in bleach because they are a strange, phobic person.

It has allowed my nails to be thick enough to grow out to epic lengths, and for that, I thank you.

BUT -

Like all pretty things, you have your dangerous side to.  Here are two ways:

1)  When I was in the shower washing my face this morning and I accidentally jammed my pointer finger unbelievably deep into my left nostril, my happiness with my ability to grow my nails out REALLY long faded as quickly as nose blood down a drain.

You suddenly didn’t look so pretty, you were more like a jagged dagger of nose death. I suppose it’s not all your fault because my finger was also covered with sandy, minty exfoliating scrub – it was kind of like getting a wound and rubbing salt in it at the same time, which is efficient, but still painful.

I swear, before my eyes stopped tearing up so I could open them, I thought my eyeball would be on the end of my finger like a scary lollipop. But I knew that couldn’t be because my finger didn’t make that echoed “fwomp” sound when I dislodged it from my brain stem and  pulled it out my nostril.

2) I love how sparkly you stay, but it is highly distracting when I am driving down the road and can’t stop staring at my pretty nails on the steering wheel. Sooo pretty. I’ve almost hit at least 8 parked cars since my last manicure.

Again, in your defense, my BAD-ASS wedding ring adds to the sparkle distraction.

My suggestion is to make people sign agreements when they get a Gel Manicure. The agreement should also have a warning and  make people promise they won’t sue if they accidentally turn their fingers into eyeball lollipops… or their insurance rates go up because they can’t snap themselves out of a sparkle trance.

Here’s a picture of my latest gel manicure (I removed my eyeball and spinal goo). YES, I know the color is all kinds of wrong for my pasty self, but after being in the military for 10 years and having to have man hands, I get really excited about being allowed to do obnoxious things. Plus my ring is just so AWESOME.

Doesn't it look like I have arthritis? lol. My ring is BANGIN' though!

Dear Readers,

20 Nov

I just read through some of my old posts because I am all excited at the prospect of having a chance to write in here again (you can sort of blame the bloggess who I obsessed over for about 3 hours today). ANYWAY – I realized that I haven’t told you anything!

SO…since last we talked, I married this guy ! GO me! We totally had mid-day nookie today too! Hmmm… too far, maybe. AND he is in the kitchen, in an apron, making me a gourmet italian meal right now. NOT exaggerating :)

I told you so.

So that means I am a mother of 3 now! FUN! (Good lord, do I ever have a million things to tell you about this)

I also quit my job. Thank God.

I’m  going to school now, plus doing portraits and other freelance photography and working on a book. *sigh… all 11 pages of it. ADD is such a damn nightmare.

BUT I got this really cool voice notes thing, and now instead of having journals and blogs and little bits of paper with writing strewn about everywhere, I have voice notes.

The down side is that I have to listen to my own voice…don’t you hate that? ugh

“Is that really what I sound like?”

oh – and I’m happy :)

Hmmmm. I’m probably boring you by now. I just didn’t feel like I could move forward here without updating on the past…otherwise a lot of crap wouldn’t make sense.

Like…the woman that tried to make me “un-fat” her at a photo shoot. WTF?!?! more on that later.

okay – too much wine since the last post. I’m outtie before I start to look even more dumber-er-er-er.

Kelly

Dear Pinterest,

19 Nov

What kind of website are you? Do you even want to succeed? People can’t even open a Pinterest account without having friends. LAME. How could you possibly assume that everyone has friends…enough to base your entire site on that principal?

Lame. Lame. Lame.

It was lame enough to inspire me to blog about it… and I haven’t written a blog in forever, but it’s winter now…so thank you Pinterest for kick starting me back into it by making me angry. All I want to do is procrastanate and look at cool stuff.

Screw it, I’ll just go have a  glass of wine.

Kelly

 

 

Dear Fellow AACC Students,

25 Aug

No, I am not a teacher at Anne Arundel Community College. Yes, I realize I am WAY older than you…but I am here to learn. Also, 29 is NOT old! Please stop asking me where your classroom is because I am just as lost, probably even more so than you. No, I cannot help you with your homework unless you need a paper proofread. This particularly applies to math. The best I can do with math is calculate a tip using the app on my phone.

While I am at it, you seriously amaze me. I love how you “youngens” embrace life and express yourself. You’re still so optimistic, it is fabulous to see. On another note, it is completely inappropriate to take your shoes off in class or to ask a professor to call you a ridiculous nickname.

Anyway folks, happy learning.

Kelly

P.S. I started a new blog for one of my classes called News and Bologna. Feel free to take a gander :)

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.